♪ [rock]
[Announcer] What are these people running from?
They're not!
They're running to
the world's toughest competition in town:
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Today, the footwear industry
takes on electronic gaming.
It's the classic battle between the shoe box
versus the XBOX.
So get fired up for MXC.
And now, here's two guys who with a lot of soul:
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano.
Hey, Vic this is gonna be awesome.
We got video game people
and a stupid footwear industry.
Whoa, hold on, there, my young friend.
Footwear is not stupid. The best way to know a man
is to walk a mile in his moccasins, they say
Hey, Vic. Hey, check this out. All right.
I got models for my new game. Oh, Kenny, come on.
More video stuff? I'm not interested in that.
Street Chick Fighters IV and V.
[Kenny] Here's Starlight, Diamond, Missy, Twinkle, and Pink Dot.
It's a bunch of hot chicks who beat the crap out of each other.
I get it now. Pink Dot.
Speaking of someone else who likes to get roughed up in an alley,
let's go to guy.
Guy, here. Let me show you my favorite game.
Para-ball.
The parasol and the ball game all in one.
The object is to avoid facial contact
with the dangling orb.
Ooh! Look out! [laughs]
We strike first with Spare Me,
we make a big splash with Sinkers and Floaters,
then we get you full of Chum in the Mouth,
and we get rocked with Boulder Dash.
[gasps] Oh! He got hit!
Skipper, have you lost my yellow ball?
Skipper, can you spare me an extra ball?
[laughs]
Wow. How many of you think that video games
improve mental dexterity for survival in a modern, high-tech world?
Show of hands now!
Well, you're wrong.
You'll be nothing but couch potatoes and drones. And wind up selling shoes.
[girl] What's wrong with wearing shoes?
You're missing my point, missy.
Oh, sorry.
Do you guys all play video games?
Yeah, how'd you know?
You at the end. You play video games?
With these two fingers.
And what about you?
Do you all do anything else besides playing games?
Like, give me an example.
Well, I have two fingers and two shoes
and I play two games at once!
Ugh. That's why you're called geeks.
Ooh, let's go!
And we're off to Spare Me,
the game based on the ritual practice
begun by roman soldiers that were encasing their women
in porcelain chastity sheets to protect their virtue while they were off at war.
Of course, shoving for us today, M on M.
They'll be pushing a six-ton exact replica of the Trojan battle-nard
which they used to violate the fortress gates of their enemies.
[Kenny] Yeah, they were transported
in a giant sack, two at a time.
Lot of nardage. Oh, Footwear takes the impact first!
And they are 2, 4, and 6 go down!
There's Perry Topsider. He got decked.
I think my bladder's emptying.
Footwear took it hard.
Let's see what Video Gamers and do here.
Here come a nard, picking up speed.
Hit's straight through, and right there,
1, 2, 3, 4, 6, and a 7-10 split!
They not only split, they left the building, Ken.
That's our MXC Impact Replay.
Let's look at it through our cataract-cam.
It'd be cool to have cataracts. You could see the whole show like this.
Right you are, Ken. Let's go down to the winning team captain,
Lorraine Stilzlein, inventor of the Don't -- Me pumps.
They're sensibly shapless, frumpy, and flat shoes.
I just like an old-fashioned guy
who wants a couple of kids,
and he doesn't have to sniff my shoes to get aroused.
I think that's what any woman wants, Ken.
And of course, Footwear taking Spare Me,
and taking the lead, one to nothing.
Well, Kenny, the shoe people have definitely put their best foot forward.
We got a great competition going. Don't you think, Ken?
Whatever. Kenny!
What?
This video game business is rotting your mind.
I'm not thinking about video games, I'm thinking about the Jacuzzi level.
Yeah, yeah.
Check it out. All right.
Okay, go. Go to the Jacuzzi level.
[Vic] Ladies, nice to meet you.
Thanks for stopping in.
Hey, Vic. They're delightful, Ken.
Yeah, yeah. This is the best part of the game.
Come on over here. It's a secret ladder.
We can watch 'em get naked.
[Announcer] When MXC returns,
we dive into Sinkers and Floaters.
Got it, sneeze guard?
[Announcer] MXC is back
as the booters take on the re-booters.
[laughs]
Hey, Vic, check out this new game.
Oh, okay.
It's called Hunt for the Crimson Red Tide
Oh, a submarine game. Wow, this is exciting stuff.
What do you see? The graphics are incredible, Ken.
I think I found the target.
Shoot at it! Kill it!
I don't know how to do it. Let me do it!
[Kenny] Target acquired.
Ooh, oh, man.
Kenny, what's happening? A hot chick! [screams]
Ah, her water broke!
Ah, the briny backsplash of the pungent sea maids to the Ken.
It's time for Sinkers and Floaters,
where the contestants must skip across the slippery stones
without swallowing a mouthful of septic sludge.
And that's insole squeezings from the Hot Coral Athlete's Foot Clinic.
Right you are, Ken, and first up...
Leave the seat down!
Martin Navaratalova, maker of K-Swiss tennis shoes.
Here's how he feels about gay cobbling.
We're everywhere.
Aren't those the shoes with the rear finger pump?
And the extra wide tongue. Look at this, he's going--
Oh! And he's down! He totally laced himself up there, Ken.
I'm not a good swimmer! I'm not a good swimmer!
Next up, Carl Gant. He's an Atheist gamer.
He doesn't believe in God mode.
Who does nowadays, Ken?
Oh! If not God, he sure could've used a cheat code there.
Next up, Philip Dees. He makes self-running shoes for the lazy athlete.
Oh! Oh! Ken!
He is down hard! That is our MXC Impact Replay.
I can't even look at this.
I think he set the speed to high.
I think you might be right. I don't think he's getting up.
Can I have his shoes? Kenny!
Next up, Julie Sanders. Game designer of Sesame Street Fighter.
I love it when Elmo pulls out Big Bird's spine
and beats Bert and Ernie to death with it.
Hats off to our friends at PBS for making violence adults can understand.
And she is down. Down hard on her back, Ken.
Let's take another look. What happened here?
Whatever. It's cool when Oscar kills you with a violent stench
he emits from his can.
Kenny, I'm talking about the replay.
Oh, yeah. She fell.
Kenny-- ah.
Next up, Dave Grier. He pre-odorizes athletic shoes.
You can choose from Cheesy, Mildew, and Dead-Rotting Squirrel.
Either way you look at it, it smells like victory right there, Ken!
And he has done it! Let's take another look.
Yeah, right there, Vic, the stench from his feet
defied, like, gravity,
and there's no gravitational thing that lifts him up.
Nobody does science like you, Ken.
Here's Kristen Connelly. She's the model for Crash Bandicoots.
Yeah, I could play with that for hours.
Might need a lot of lotion for that cheat code.
Here's Dr. Ron McDonald, he's a podiatrist who specializes in fallen arches.
Oh!
Over 15 billion served.
Oh, he served himself up there. Let's take another look, Ken.
He goes down hard.
Wow. Can I have his shoes? Kenny!
He might be seriously injured. Let's take a look here.
Oh, good. He seems to be fine.
Oh, crap. Let's go to Guy.
Can you draw Guy a human foot here on this paper?
Sure. We start with a bone here.
That's a-- that's a heel bone.
Some toe bones. This dot's--
I'm gonna have to look some of this stuff up.
The fumes of the paint are making me weak.
Next up, Willy Graham, creator of Good Sam Auto,
the non-violent driving game where you get points
for offering roadside assistance.
Oh, and he's down, Ken. Let's take another look.
That game blows.
You can't even get the strippers to take their clothes off.
Even with a cheat code.
Kenny, we're talking about the replay.
Oh, yeah. He fell. Kenny.
Next up, Myron Pullup.
He makes bathroom shoes for people in a bind called Pincha Loafers.
Oh! And he's down!
They come in light brown, medium brown, and brownish-green.
I'm not listening to you, Ken. Next up, Neil Tendo.
He makes the game console, Playmate Station.
It's one of the hottest game boxes around, Vic.
Right you are. That run unfortunately was not hot at all.
So thanks to Dave Grier, the shoe team kicks up its heels,
and take the lead, two to nothing.
Wow, this tank rules.
I thought you'd like it, Ken.
It's an exact replica of a vehicle from your favorite video game.
Oh, you mean, Iron Fist? That's right, Ken.
Wow.
If you like, you can join me. Take you for a spin.
Okay. Step in after me.
Just be careful and don't touch anything.
Okay, what's this lever for right here?
Kenny, I just said, don't touch. Let me handle this.
I am a tank-- uh-oh.
Oh, God, Kenny.
Do you feel a draft? No, I feel like Dukakis.
Who? Never mind.
[Announcer] Coming up on MXC,
all you sharks get ready for Chum in the Mouth.
[Announcer] MXC is back,
as the shoehorns take on the joysticks.
Oh, that had to hurt.
There we are, Ken. Sorry about that.
As we approach the peak of Mons Veneris--
and, of course, I'm able to do this,
thanks to the Sherpa Scraper.
It's a combination hiking, climbing and off-road shoe, Ken.
Ah, there we are.
Success! We've conquered the summit.
Ken, there's nothing that can't be accomplished
with the right pair of shoes.
Oh, Kenny. It looks like the weather's changing!
[both scream]
Guy here.
Time for one of my all-time favorite games:
Chum in the Mouth.
In this game, you ride the bait-skate
through the deadly ring of calamari
until you've chummed in the shark's mouth.
Guy will now demonstrate.
That's why I'm wearing protective gloves and a jockstrap.
Thank you.
Here's my microphone, Captain.
You're welcome, Guy, and good luck.
Careful. I don't want to fall.
First, as usual, I am on my knees
crouched in my favorite position.
[gasping]
I think I am bleeding.
I'm groggy, and the tunnel is closing around my eyes.
Oh! Let's go to our first contestant.
[maniacal laughter]
I eat anti-fungal cream.
Get it on!
[Vic] And first up for Footwear, that's Murray Shoal
maker of Merkinstocks.
[Kenny] The life-like, furry ladies sandal
that straps on.
Good-looking and good-feeling.
Oh! He's down and he's backwards, Ken!
And he has chummed himself into the great white--
Let us take another look at that.
[Ken laughs] Ken?
Huh? Yeah, right here, Vic.
I Think the shark devoured his Merkinstock.
I think you're right, Ken. Sharks can sense a distressed
or injured merkin up to 3 miles away.
Razor burn!
Next up, Chode Law, designer of Cold Mountain,
the video game, based on the popular romantic film.
Yeah, that one's great.
Rene Zellweger and Nicole Kidman
just sit around waiting.
Then, if you've got the cheat code,
they get a bazooka and a flamethrower
and start blowing stuff up.
I love Rene's work, Ken. And look at that!
Chode wins it! An outstanding run.
He seems to be a little surprised about it.
I'm losing my lunch!
Here we go. Here is Billy Kind.
He, of course, the founder of Odor Eaters Anonymous.
It's not a choice, it's a stinkin' disease.
Right you are, Ken. And look at that. Oh!
The impact's hard! You can hear him screaming out for his sponsor.
But it's not gonna help him here.
Let's take another look, Ken.
Yeah, right here, Vic.
He tumbles down all twelve steps
right into the Mary Anus trench.
Kenny, it's, "annus."
Annus anus? Forget it.
Oh, that hurt.
I bruise easily!
And here, of course, Tony Hakalugi,
designer of the popular pro-spitter video games here.
Yeah, if you have the cheat code,
you can do the 900 Lungbutter.
Good to know, Ken. Let's take another look at that on replay.
Looks like right here he tries full headfirst phlegm-eneer 360,
but he got himself all congested in the shark's mouth.
I satisfy all my lover's needs. It's my job.
Next up, Russell Wade.
He makes counterweight shoes for the busty grandma called Droopy Topsiders.
Yeah, my nana used to tip over until she got a pair of those.
She was like a Weeble that smells like cheese.
Good to know, Ken. And here goes Russell over the last calamari.
Oh! Looks like he teetered back!
Used a pair of his own shoes, but it worked for him here, Ken.
Girl games are pretty!
This, of course, Lynn Stepford.
Maker of the Republican First Lady video game.
Teaches little girls to stand by their man, dress up pretty,
and most importantly, not to voice their opinions in public.
Look at that, Ken. She's into the mouth and on her back.
[laughs] She seems to be okay, though.
I salute the American dream.
Next up, Alfred Lutz.
He's an internet podiatrist.
People who do that to kids should be shot.
Kenny, I said, podiatrist. Podiatrist.
Yeah, yeah. That guy from The Who, he should go to jail.
Kenny-- Oh, look at that.
There, having trouble. Almost making it through.
Let's take another look.
See right there, into a half-Nambla,
into a split-heeled chicken hawk,
and right into the calamari and into the stranger's man.
I thought you said he was a podiatrist?
Right you are, Ken.
I hate it when the toilet doesn't flush all the way!
Here, of course, Dr. Anne Cornea.
The creator of Donkey Bong.
I can never get through the first level.
I get hungry and have to get something to eat.
Right you are, Ken. Look at that!
Two calamaris in a row head first!
I think she fell asleep.
Think you might be right. Now, she's all paranoid.
She's gonna drive home really slow.
That's not me!
I just walked through a pile of steamy dog poo!
Last up, this is Cole Han.
He designed the shoe for people who are missing a leg
and won't use a prosthetic.
Yeah, they're called hoppers.
Let's see what he does here.
Nice hop over the calamari,
into the shark's mouth, top-notch chumming!
Little trouble, oh!
Oh, I think he lost his face.
I think you might be right. That's our MXC Impact Replay,
and we can not count that, Ken.
Face or no face, he's a disgrace.
So the video gamers score,
but Footwear matches them and hold on to the lead, three to one.
Right you are.
What are you doing?
Well, Kenny, I am going to lift this bar. Huh?
Now, normally, someone like me would not be able to do it.
But with my proper weightlifting shoes--
and here, let me just adjust my grip here--
you will clearly see
that anything is possible with the right arch support.
[grunting] And right there, my friend.
What do you think of that?
Great. Let's go back to Mount Veneris and jam another flag in it.
[Announcer] When MXC returns,
hold on to your rocks,
it's time for Boulder Dash!
Hands off the clicker, slaggy.
[Announcer] MXC is back for the final battle
between Footwear and Video Gamers.
It's loafers versus loafers.
See what I did there?
Hey, Vic, your idea of needing proper footwear is bogus.
Really, Ken? Yeah.
Brutus here from Brutal Force
can do it and he's only wearing socks.
Is that right? Well, let's see.
Looks like he's got a good grip there.
Let's see what he can do.
[grunts]
Pick it up.
Well, I must admit, Brutus, you're an impressive individual.
See? Pretty good, huh?
Yes, indeed he is.
See, I'm right.
[laughs] Not so fast, my young friend.
Let's see what someone with real shoes can do. Doc Martin?
[laughs]
[Vic] It's time for Boulder Dash.
And first up for the Footwear,
it's snakeskin shoe charmer, Vee-jay Mahatma Running Bear.
Yeah, he's half Indian and half Indian.
Right you are, Ken. Oh! And he's in his first safety slit right there,
where the gashman comes out.
up into the second-- Oh!
Little bit of trouble there, and he is impacted.
I like baseball.
Next up, Giles Miller.
He's a bench warmer in the John Madden
popular video game football series.
Yeah, he's been in, like, six editions,
but he's always on the bench, or in Madden's bus.
Right you are, and there he is
into the second safety slit, Ken.
He seems to be moving nicely.
Maybe this is his sport, Ken.
He likes to go into the gash.
Right you are. Oh!
Protected head first, and he is down.
And he is injured and he is out.
Next up, Terra-Lynn Patrick.
Hi.
Remarkably agile,
considering she's running on a set of double Ds.
Yeah, she should've worn a sports bra.
I was talking about her extra wide feet, Ken.
Oh! And there! She's down there!
Oh! Unbelievable. She was just pummeled and rolled.
I think she might be injured, Ken.
Let's take another look at the replay.
Yeah, right here. It crushes one of here giant foot-boobs.
Foot-boobs? What are you talking about?
Well, you said she had foot-- feet double Ds.
Wide feet. Never mind. Let's move on.
Get out of my way!
And here's Nacho Ortega.
The hero of Non-Resident Evil.
That's the game where illegal alien zombies invade America.
Right you are, Ken. And there he invaded one of the safety slits.
A little bit of trouble. Moving up there nicely.
Oh! He's under that boulder.
He's pretty good at crawling under fences.
Right you are. It's really coming into play here.
It's working for him.
Oh! One to the cabeza,
but he makes it all the way to the top!
Unbelievable! Let's take another look at the replay.
Yeah, right here, Vic.
He picks up an extra green card bonus.
Gave him an extra life.
Toss my fatouche!
Next up, Falujah Babganoosh.
He's a 10-year veteran of L.A.'s Shoe bomb Squad.
Here's what he had to say about his dangerous occupation.
If I was going to conceal a bomb,
I'd use a dress shoe with a hard heel.
Preferably with the tassel.
Good to know.
Let's check out his run here.
Moving up nicely.
Trying to get into the safety slits.
Roughed up by the gashman.
Right you are, Ken.
Gashman playing really rough today.
Uh-oh, Falujah making himself thin.
Look at that. He has basically no hip bone whatsoever, Ken.
I think that's working for him here today.
Into the slit.
Right you are, back on to the field,
stumbles there, that could cost him.
Back into the slit, back onto the course.
He is all over this Ken.
I think he might make it, Vic.
Here he goes, and you are right, Ken.
He does! Unbelievable!
Let's go milquetoast. Thanks for the tip.
And here is Josh Smegman.
Maker of the first Kosher video system, Gamegoy.
Yeah, they have Grand Theft Dreidel,
Super Moil Brothers, and my personal favorite, Donkey Scholng.
And don't forget Max Painburg,
the crazed revenge-seeking accountant.
Oh! Into the safety slit!
Oh, he's jammed right up there!
Against a gashman, that's gotta be uncomfortable at best.
Let's take another look.
It's like a gashman sandwich.
Right you are, Ken. Gets into the slit,
there's the boulder.
Oh! And there is that gashman sandwich.
Ooh, take a bite out of that, that's hard to swallow.
Next up, Uncle Tom McCann.
He makes self-shining shoes.
Oh! Look at that! He's in trouble right away, Ken!
Can't even get to the first slit!
The gashman working him hard.
And here come the boulders.
Unbelievable! The guy bent a granite.
Unbelievable.
Oh! The gashmen are killed.
It is chaos out there, Ken.
And that is our MXC Impact Replay.
Let's take another look.
It starts to go bad from the very, very beginning.
Into the first slit, and right there,
you can see one of the valiant gashmen
trying to help him out to no avail.
Sacrificing himself.
He's Styrofoaming at the mouth.
I think you might be right, Ken.
There. Boulders. The thunderous, granite,
rolling tons of doom coming down on top of them.
Vic, this is hideous.
There's, like, blood and brains and guts and stuff everywhere.
It-- Oh, he's okay.
How's my hair? Right you are, Ken.
Both teams score in Boulder Dash,
but it's Footwear who steps up to take the win, 4 to 2.
Well, it's game over for our video friends,
you can see the shoe folks have cobbled themselves a victory.
Yeah, yeah. This is better.
Do you know what cobbled means, Ken? No.
It's time for Kenny Blankenship's
Painful Eliminations of the Day!
And blasting off at number 10,
it's Guy LaDouche
showing us how to lower your head,
lock you jaw, and become a giant chum stain.
And number 9 belongs to Video Gamers' Kid Vid, who gets crowned.
Hey, yo, that now has her mind running down the gutter.
At number 8, Sesame Street Fighters designer Julie Sanders,
Bert's her Ernie while Snuffleupagusing her Muppet baby.
And number 7 goes to Merkinstock maker Murray Shoal,
who's hair-raising run only gets him stuck
in the nasty shark's bicuspid.
And number 6 goes to Gamegoy programmer Josh Smegmen,
who gets his kishkas knocked and flattened.
And number 5 goes to Willy Graham,
who's trying to clean up the video game industry,
but first he should wipe his brains off that stone.
And checking in at number 4 is Terra-Lynn Patrick,
who gets forced to her back by a pushy gashman.
Boy, that really stinks.
And number 3 goes to one-legged shoe designer Cole Han,
who jumps the shark, gets a face full of chum.
And winding down to number 2, it's Philip Dees,
who's automatic self-running shoes
run him right into the swampy cesspool
of solid stones and waste.
And my most painful elimination of the day goes to
shoe-business mogul, Tom McCann,
who says, if I'm going down,
you gashmen are going down with me.
They get toe-nailed, tongue-tied and hush-puppied.
Yeah.
Well, another good one, huh, Ken?
Let's go to Chucky Pizza and play some video games.
That's a great idea.
You and I don't get together enough after work.
Yeah, okay. And what do we always say?
[all] Don't get eliminated!
Maybe we could take my car.
Forget it. I changed my mind. All right.
[Guy screaming]
Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA